Leadership ConneXions - Issue 18
It was just a simple statement. I said “I am feeling a little stressed.” My know-it-all 21 year old son replied that it was all in my mind and to “just get over it!”
Now I do believe in the power of the mind and that we can consciously control our state, at least to some level, but here I was feeling stressed. Now I know that my son is not alone with his views. Many people regard stress as a personal weakness exhibited by others and that they should just get over it. So there I was in a bit of a quandary – if people can control their state, then logically stress could be easily controlled by just deciding not to be stressed any longer; but how come so many people are so severely impacted by stress.
As it happened (as it so often does when I have an issue that needs resolving) I went to a workshop that evening and met two ladies from WHIMS Weight Management Clinic that were experts in mind and body health. During our conversation, I asked them if they would like to write a series of articles for Leadership ConneXions. Here is their first instalment.
Barry Lawson
Stress and your body
Stress is, unfortunately, a part of life. Leaders need to demonstrate effective stress management and help to ensure the welfare of their team members. It is commonsense that happier employees can be healthier, more productive and more effective members of your team.
Your body was designed through careful evolution to respond to stress in very specific ways. Most people understand the term ‘fight or flight’. This is the body’s response to stress that prepares it to do just that—stand and fight for its life, or run away. But what does this really mean?
In order to escape a predatory lion, your body’s systems would need additional support than they would when you were at rest. That physiological response is still in your body today; it’s just that our modern forms of stress are many more and varied. But whatever the source of stress—too much work, family problems, poor health, financial worries, shocking traffic congestion—your body reacts the same way that it would if a lion was chasing you.
To fight or take flight requires increased blood and oxygen to your muscles. So your heart rate and blood pressure increases to push out more blood to your body, and your respiration rate increases to deliver more oxygen to your cells. Blood flow is temporarily diverted away from your intestines and the peristaltic (wave-like) action of digestion is slowed. (Why would you want to digest anything when you might be about to be eaten yourself?) You need more energy, so your blood sugar levels increase. Adrenaline pumps through your body. Extra demand is placed on your immune system… and so the list goes on.
The ancient man running away from the lion needed all of these responses. But once he either fought off the lion or ran away, the stress decreased. The difference for many of us today is that our causes of stress frequently extend over long periods. For some of us, they never seem to end. And this is where the problems can begin.
Chronic stress conditions can lead to:
· Insomnia
· Impaired digestion
· High blood pressure
· Diabetes
· Headaches and migraines
· Lowered immunity (lowered white blood cell count)
· Relationship difficulties
· Sexual difficulties
· Weight gain or loss
It is possible (probably a downright certainty) that if you or your team members are suffering from any of these conditions that you could have reduced work efficiency and less effective working relationships – not to mention the potential impact that some of these symptoms might be having on you or your team members ability to live to a ripe old age.
OK, so we know now that the body does have a physical reaction to stress. But what can we do about it? In our coming articles, we will detail several ways that you can manage stress more effectively in your workplace. First we will have an article from our physiotherapist on ways to manage stress in terms of the ways to avoid poor health, then one from our counsellor on stress management techniques in the workplace. We will finish our feature with a list of 'Do's and Don'ts' or, if you like, an 'Action Guide'.
Joanne Schoenwald
Article supplied courtesy of WHIMS Weight Management Clinic, Spring Hill, Brisbane. Visit www.whims.com.au or email whims@bigpond.com.
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Better Communication Through Better Language
By Barry Lawson
“That’s not what I meant!” she shouted.
“That is exactly what you said!” he replied in an equally loud voice that escalated the argument.
We all know of or have participated in conversations that have ended up in words of the same affect as those above. This is because we have all had said things that have been misinterpreted. What we meant was not how it was interpreted. The things we say very often do not equal the things we mean!
When we converse with others, we almost always only use and hear words that merely convey the “surface” meaning. These “surface” words are the words we subconsciously choose to reflect what we truly mean at a “deep” level. To say what we truly mean may be too difficult for words or it might require more words then we can use in a quick conversation. We therefore unknowingly generalize, delete or distort our true meaning and use the words that befit these generalizations, deletions or distortions. And because our words are often chosen unconsciously, we think we are saying what we truly mean but others are not us so they have to make up their own story about the meaning we are trying to purvey.
When we are selecting our words, we do so through a filtering process that is made up by our beliefs, values, attitudes and experiences of life. The listener hears words and passes them through their own perceptual filters that have formed from their beliefs, values, attitudes and experiences of life. Naturally, these filtering systems are very different. The resulting product could be that what is meant by the speaker is not understood by the listener in the same way. The surface structure of the words does not reflect the deeper structure of the meaning.
To counteract this phenomenon, we can learn to identify weaknesses in our conversations with others and use tools to explore the deeper meaning and gain better understanding.
Following are some examples of weaknesses in language and how to counteract them.
I encourage you to try some of these things out. You will be surprised how these can improve your ability to gain rapport with others, perform better in meetings, give or receive instructions better and improve communication generally.
Nominalisation
First up is a thing called nominalisation. Nominalisation is the term given to a process word (verb) that has been turn into a thing (noun). It is thinking about something as a frozen thing, when really it is an ongoing action. Examples include communication, understanding, education, respect, relationship, and association. A handy way of testing whether something is a nominalisation is - if it is a noun and you can't put in a wheel barrow, then it is a nominalisation. (Can you put communication or loving in a wheel barrow?)
If someone were to say to you that “Communication here is appalling”, it may lead you to several different conclusions that may or may not be correct. To counteract a nominalisation and explore the truer meaning of its use, reply with a question that specifies the original process verb. In this example, ask: “How specifically are you communicating here?” This will cause the speaker, in answering the question, to provide more information and clearing meaning.
Another example would be “She is very loving.” To find out the true meaning in this instance, ask the question, “Loving; in what way?”
The next weakness is called an Unspecified Referential Index. In this weakness, someone or something remains unspecified. For example, “They do not care” or “One should, you know”. Therefore to get the true meaning here, we would need to ask “Who specifically does not care?” and “One should what?”
Unless you seek clarification, you are only assuming you know what the speaker is referring to. Now this might be correctly assumed from the context of the conversation, but it may not. For example, with a conversation about management, the words “They do not care” might be interpreted as all managers. However, ask the question “Who specifically does not care?” and you may find out that the speaker has only one or two people in mind.
Comparative Deletion means exactly what it says. Something to which the statement should be compared to has been deleted. For example, what is meant by the sentence: “We want more action”. To establish the deeper meaning, one needs to establish what is being compared. So here the response should be, “More action; compared to what?”
Similarly, the response to “The building is taller” or “She is smarter” would be “Compared to what or who?”
A simple deletion is where something has been left out of a statement. For example, “I am fed up” leaves out detail about who or what the speaker is fed up with. Other examples of simple deletions would be “I went”, “I have to”, “She did” and “We will”. To get clarification in these cases, simply ask where or what or whom.
So, depending on the context, a statement such as “we will” should be responded to with the questions,
“Who are we?” or “We will what?” The answers to these questions will provide clearer understanding of just what is being said.
Unspecified Verbs
With an unspecified verb, the listener can never be sure exactly what is meant. Take for example, the simple statement, “Mary talked to Bill.” How was she talking? Loudly? Was she admonishing him? Was she trying to chat him up? Was she asking questions or seeking directions? Did she in fact just send an email? We do not know.
When you come across an unspecified verb in a conversation, seek to specify it with a simple question that specifies how. So the question for the example above would be “How specifically was she talking to Bill?” Alternatively, the question could be “Talking, talking how?”
When someone says something like “We always do it that way” or “Everyone knows about it”, they are using a universal quantifier. Such statements may be an unintended exaggeration. To counteract this, simply return the statement with an upward inflection in the voice at the end and with an exaggeration on the problem word. In the statements above, the responses would be “What always?” and “Everyone?”
Universal quantifiers are very common in conversations. So try this one out and see how people readily respond with a confirmation or a clarification! Can you imagine the following conversation?
John: “Everyone was there!”
Mary: What everyone?”
John: “Well not everyone, Fred couldn’t come because he had to work but Graeme, Donna, Michelle and Ian were there.”
Modal operator is the term given to a verb that modifies another verb and therefore modifies how an activity is done. A modal operator is always followed by another verb such as “I have to work” or “I can become successful.” A modal operator functions in the same way that an adverb does, but unlike an adverb, always precedes the verb it is modifying.
How often do you hear a person say something like “I can’t” or “I want to”. However, since the words themselves do not specify the exact content or context, it is very easy for the listener to generalize the statement to a wide range of meanings.
Other examples of modal operators include:
· I can’t go.
· He shouldn’t make fun.
· You must do it.
In many situations, it may be appropriate to simply seek deeper meaning by
asking questions like “You cannot what?” or “You want to do what?”. However, if
you want to assist the other person, say in a counselling, mentoring or coaching
role, you can be more insightful by asking “What would happen if you could?” or
“What would happen if you didn’t do it?”.
Sometimes it can even be useful to change
a person’s experience by suggesting they replace one modal operator with
another. A modal operator is both the result of internal thought processing and
a way to elicit it. Asking a person to say, “I won’t….” rather than “I can’t….”
is a good way to get people to take more responsibility for the implicit choices
that they made, to feel more empowered by recognizing their ability to choose
and opening the way to choosing differently.
Cause and Effect
Cause and effect is the term given to statements such as “You make me cross” or “Fast cars make me nervous”. These statements have a cause that produces effects. When you hear things like this and you need to more fully understand what is being implied, respond with a question that asks “how specifically?”
John: “Roller coasters make me nervous”
Mary: “How do roller coasters make you nervous?”
John: “I once got sick on one and now I am never sure if it will happen again.
Mind reading describes a person’s actions when they say something like “I can tell she likes me” or “I know he cares” or “She will pay the bill”. In these examples, the speakers are reading the minds of others. Naturally, this is not possible, so the obvious response to get deeper meaning in these situations is to ask “How do you know?”
Mary: “I know he likes me.”
Jill: “How do you know?”
Mary: “Well, he phoned me twice yesterday and he asked my brother if I liked roses.”
Lost performer is the term given to a statement that fails to identify who or what is performing the action. For example:
· “It’s good to exercise”
· “It’s right to wait”
· “Eating meat is wrong”
· “Alcohol is evil”.
Such statements are often made as a “power play” by suggesting something as fact when it may not be true. It may merely represent the values of the speaker and it could be a subconscious attempt to impart this value on to others.
To counteract these types of statements or to merely find out more information, respond with the question, “According to whom?”
Learning these Language Patterns
At first glance, it might seem like a daunting task to learn all of these language patterns. However it can by done rather simply by just picking one or two and practice using the pattern/s for a week. After that time, select another and repeat the exercise and rotate through them until it becomes an unconscious process.
Imagine how you will feel about your language skills when you catch yourself using these techniques to truly connect with another person.
This article is all about finding clarity, a deeper and truer meaning. In a future article, I will show how we can use these language patterns deliberately and inductively to create trance or to be more persuasive and influential.
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